i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
