I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
