When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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