It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
