I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
