I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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