I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
