Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
