his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
