I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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