That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Randomize
