There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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