dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
