My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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