at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
