You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
