I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
