when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
