sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
