he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
