If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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