My room smells like vodka and shame
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
