also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
