I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
