I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
