She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
