You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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