Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
