My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
