i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
