Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
