Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
