neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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