I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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