Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Btw I puked in your glovebox
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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