What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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