I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
