why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
