the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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