I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
