Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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