I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
