I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
