Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
