I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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