wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
he just fucked me for my cheese..
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
