remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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