Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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