and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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