someone threw a dead crab at me
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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