watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
