After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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