If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
