so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
